Call me an idiot (you wouldn't be Robinson Crusoe there), but I can't make head nor tail of the entire Blatter-Platini affair, which has made FIFA look dirtier than a Welsh coal miner in the 19th century.

Let me get this right: Sepp Blatter, the head of world soccer's governing body - the aforementioned FIFA - hired European soccer's boss, Michel Platini, as a consultant in 1999 for a two-year period and $2 million.

Not bad dough to say "yes" or "no" once in a while, but none of this was confirmed on legally binding paper, such as: "I, Joseph Blatter, would like to give you, Michel Platini, 2 million Swiss francs for two years if you just say 'oui' or 'non' when I call. Hugs and kisses, Sepp."

Nope, instead they, apparently, came to an "oral agreement", which we all know is not worth the paper it is not written on. Somewhat odd, but anyhow ...

Then, after two years of brilliant monosyllable answers, no dough for Michel! And even more curious, he didn't seem to care!

Oh well, what's two mil, when you run the money-making machine called UEFA.

Maybe "Mich" did call Sepp every now and then for some friendly banter and occasionally tossed in: "Oh, by the way, how's that $2 million coming along?"

Sepp: "Well I'm a little bit strapped this month; just had to chip in to build a retirement home for the legends of Seychelles soccer."

Michel: "OK, no bigee."

A few years later ...

Michel: " ... and that $2 million, Seppster?"

Sepp: "Mon ami, things are a bit tight now; just forked out quite a bit to build a rocket to carry the first soccer pitch to Mars."

Michel: "What?"

Sepp (laughing uproariously): "Oh, I am just pulling your little French legs. We are helping the Chinese build a soccer academy on their islands in the South China Sea. God knows, that country's soccer needs all the help it can get."

Michel: "Yep, fair enough."

And then we move on to 2011, a presidential election year for Sepp. A potential challenger and, more importantly, holder of 53 UEFA votes is his buddy, Michel, and coming out of nowhere - like a Lionel Messi goal - is that somewhat overdue payment ... voila!

Then, Sepp cruises to term No 547 as boss of filthy FIFA.

Now, four years later and prodded by US and Swiss investigators, FIFA has decided the Sepp-Mich deal was a rather odd arrangement and has sent both guys to the sidelines for eight years.

They vehemently protest their innocence and will take their battles to higher places, but, really, all they had to do was put pen to proper paper in the first place. Is that too hard to do?

This idiot don't get it at all.

Contact the writer at tymglaser@chinadaily.com.cn