Sleep? I've got too much worrying to do

My brother sent this email to me: "My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do."

I've always been a rotten sleeper. My brother also used to be a rotten sleeper but now he says he just waits until 1 am before lying down. Such tricks don't work for me: As soon as I shut my eyes, I'm met with an elaborate display constructed by the Freudian Fireworks Company spelling out the word "Failure".

The moment I put my head on the pillow, I picture myself standing in front of a judge holding an impressive ledger inscribed with every task I've left undone as well as everything I might've done better.

The last time I remember doing everything right was on the occasion of my first communion. That was in 1963, which was the year ZIP codes were introduced. It's been a while since I haven't worried about messing up.

After that, I'm awake for a month.

A person can't even watch television before bed anymore. I'm not talking about watching panel discussions on cable stations where people from opposing viewpoints face each other in a cage match. I'm talking about watching broadcasters on local stations.

I used to love listening to the weather report before going to sleep. It was soothing. Not anymore. I keep a notebook and pen near the bed (because sleep experts insist that having a laptop in the bedroom is as disruptive as having a ferret in your pillow) so I can tell you exactly what I heard before switching off the TV last night: "After the break, we'll talk about what kind of impacts this storm system will have on the morning commute because of the severe rains that are coming in tomorrow morning. Stay tuned."

I'm no meteorologist, but the "impact" of rain is that you're going to get wet. I don't think that's something you need to sit through a Subaru ad to discover. It's going to be a rainy day, it's gonna take you longer to get to work, you could end up damp and you'll probably be in a bad mood when you arrive.

Because we want to blame the inability to sleep on something other than ourselves, we now blame the beds. Mattresses have become our enemy. You can now buy beds that lift you up, making your ankles higher than your thorax, or ones guaranteeing your shoulders are warmer than your buttocks. You could have a bed that makes you into a balloon animal. It's like joining the Cirque du Soleil every night.

Can I tell you a secret? If you can't sleep, it's not because of the bed. People used to sleep on mattresses made by stuffing corn husks into a sack - and those were the aristocrats. Most people slept on the ground for that nice firm feeling and so they could run when an animal started chasing them. Basically they were pretty tired from herding goats. They slept well because they were physically exhausted. Their anxieties were also more immediate than ours. ("Honey, do you think we'll get beaten to death by the Visigoths tonight?" "Nah. I heard it's going to rain. They don't like the rain.")

I've known few truly talented sleepers. I had a roommate back in college who could've been on the Olympic sleep team. She was world-class. But even she now wanders through her house like a wraith after midnight trying to figure out whether it'd be easier to fall asleep in the armchair or on the couch.

During these turbulent times, I bet we're losing even moderately good sleepers to insomnia on a nightly basis. We're fraught and overwrought.

We not only need sleep, we need rest. We need to take some lightheartedness, herd our worst thoughts like goats into a pen and speak again in the morning.

Tribune News Service

睡覺？我還有很多操心的事兒吶

我弟弟給我發了這樣一封電子郵件：“我的床是個神奇的地方，躺在上面，我能馬上想起我本該去做的每一件事?！?/p>

我一直都是個入睡困難的人。我弟弟以前也是，但現在他說，他會等到凌晨1點再上床睡覺。這樣的招數對我來說根本不管用，只要我閉上眼，就會在腦海中看到弗洛伊德煙花公司精心準備的煙花表演拼出一個“失敗者”的字樣。

我躺下來的那一瞬間，就會想象著自己正站在一位法官面前，對方手里拿著一本讓人看了就忘不掉的的賬簿，記刻著每一件我未完成的以及可能會做得更好的事。

我記得最近一次我把每件事都做得規規矩矩是在我第一次參加圣餐儀式的時候。那是在1963年，那年剛開始通用郵政編碼。到現在，我一直在擔心自己會把事情搞砸了。

夜晚對失敗的恐懼和焦慮通常始于對一些小事的自我埋怨：如果不去寵物市場的話，貓糧還夠撐一個星期嗎？然后我會為被解救的動物感到難過，接著我會立刻想到孤兒、難民和流浪漢，譴責自己沒有為全球饑餓和居住問題做出更多貢獻。

然后，我就會失眠一個月。

我甚至不能再在睡前看電視。我說的可不是有線電視臺播放的那種像是被關在籠子里的兩派觀點相左的人的辨論爭斗節目。我說的是地方臺播放的節目。

我過去喜歡在睡前聽天氣預報，這能讓我鎮靜下來?，F在可不行了。我會在床邊放一個筆記本和一支筆（因為睡眠專家堅稱，把筆記本電腦放在臥室，就像把雪貂放在枕頭里一樣，會破壞你的睡眠），所以我能確切地告訴你，昨晚我關上電視前聽到的節目內容：“稍事休息后，我們來講講明天早上的暴雨所形成的風暴云系會對早上的通勤造成怎樣的影響。不要走開?！?/p>

雖然我不是氣象學家，但暴雨的“影響”就是人們會被淋濕。我認為這不是需要聽完插播的斯巴魯汽車廣告后才能發現的事兒。明天會下雨，上班路上會花更長的時間，到公司后，可能成了落湯雞，大概心情會很糟糕。

因為我們往往想把無法入睡的原因歸咎于其他事情，而不是自己身上，所以我們會抱怨是床的問題。床墊成了敵人。我們現在可以買到把人升起來的床，使人的腳踝高于胸腔的床，或是能夠保證肩部比臀部更暖和的床。還有可以像用氣球做動物似的把人變換一定形狀的床，每晚躺在上面就像加入了太陽馬戲團。

我能向你透露一個秘密嗎？如果你無法入睡，不是因為床有問題。人們過去會睡在用玉米殼裝的麻袋做成的床墊上，這可是貴族們享有的待遇。古時大部分人都直接睡在地上，因為感覺踏實，當野獸開始追趕他們時，他們能馬上逃跑?？梢哉f那時的人因為放羊而感到非常疲憊，睡得香是因為身體乏累。他們的焦慮也比我們的更直接。（“親愛的，你覺得我們今晚會被西哥特人打死嗎？”“不會啦，我聽說要下雨，他們不喜歡下雨?！保?/p>

我認識的人里，沒有誰是真正天生的睡眠高手。我大學時的一位室友，當時都可以入選“快速睡眠”奧運代表隊。她當時可是世界一流的入睡高手?？扇缃?，她也會像幽靈一樣，半夜在屋子里來回游蕩，反復琢磨著是躺在扶手椅上還是沙發上更易入睡。

(本段的翻譯有獎征集中)

我們不僅需要睡眠，也需要放松。我們需要舒緩下來，像趕羊入圈一樣把那些睡前的雜念收攏起來，留到第二天再說不遲。

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上期獲獎者：廣西南寧　廣西師范學院　卯雨婧