又到學期期末，老師們的工作生活一定又是被各種評比、課題結項、年終匯報、報銷擠得滿滿當當。不如一起看看老師朋友圈里的段子吧~

?工作篇

What do teachers do every day?
老師們每天在做啥？

For some teachers, work is like taking their students for a swim in a great big ocean of knowledge every day.
老師這個職業吧，說的文明點就是每天帶著學生在知識的海洋里暢游。

And though they do their best to make sure everybody reaches the shore, they often have to go back and provide assistance.
然而暢游一段時間吧，你會發現：只有你一個人上岸了！然后你還得返回，一個一個去撈。

Some students who have just been rescued almost immediately start drowning again, while others astonish their teachers by turning around and swimming out to sea instead!
有些吧，昨天撈上來今天又掉下去了還得撈。在你喘息的時候，你會驚恐地發現：還有往回游上岸的。

不多說了，上圖體會：

Books a college teacher should read:
很多人打算去大學當老師，問要看哪些書？以下是較專業的回答：

?

第一階段

基礎版

《教育學》
Pedagogy

《心理學》
Psychology

《給老師的建議》
Advice for Teachers

《教學設計》
Instructional Design

?

第二階段

進階版

《莫生氣》
Keep Calm

《佛經》
Buddhism

《老子》
Lao Tzu

《思想政治》
Ideology and Politics

《論持久戰》
On Protracted War

?

第三階段

瀕死版

《頸椎病康復指南》
Rehabilitation of Cervical Spondylosis

《慢性咽喉炎和扁桃體炎患者必讀》
A Must-read for Chronic Laryngitis and Tonsillitis Sufferers

《心臟病的預防與防治》
On the Prevention and Treatment of Heart Disease

《高血壓降壓寶典》
How to Control High Blood Pressure

《強迫癥的自我恢復》
A Self-help Guide for Obsessive-compulsives

《精神病癥狀學》
Psychiatric-symptom Diagnosis

?

第四階段

無我版

《活著》
Alive

? 生活篇

Reporter: How have you changed since becoming a teacher?
記者：“老師，請問您入職這么多來年，都有哪些變化呢？”

You: Umm... (before and after)
老師：這個嘛……（前后對比照）

Types of headache experienced by college counselors.
各種頭痛類型，望知悉。

Are university teachers struggling with baldness?
大學老師脫發很嚴重嗎？

? 家庭篇

Your girlfriend (a university counselor) is sleeping.
當輔導員的女朋友在家睡懶覺。

You: Wake up!
Her: *silence*

我說起床啦，她一動不動。

You: It's time for lunch!
Her: *more silence*

喊她吃飯啦，依舊石沉大海。

You: Those new clothes you ordered are here!
Her: *no response*

“你買的新衣服到嘍！”她好像沒聽見一樣。

You: Something's wrong with one of your students!
Her: *jumps up* I'm going into school right now!

“學生出事了！”
她立刻從床上彈射起來“我要回學校了！”

How to control the one you love, if she/he is a college teacher? (Click the blank space below to check the answer.
如果你愛人是大學老師，雙語君（微信ID：Chinadaily_Mobile）教你如何駕馭她/他。

University teachers are like wild horses with boundless energy who cannot even control themselves, let alone be controlled by you. They can get along with any of their students, regardless of their grades. And they have the strength to endure everything that they must. In short, they are omnipotent. What you need to do is to take good care of them, spoil them, and let them feel the love and warmth in the world... Well, that's all we have to say about that, you can leave now.
就你，還想駕馭她/他？你咋不上天呢！大學老師乃是脫韁野馬、身負洪荒之力，自己都駕馭不了自己，每天都與學霸斗智與學渣斗勇，無所不能，百毒不侵，你惟一能做的就是哄著她/他、慣著她/他、疼愛她/他、呵護她/他，讓她/他感覺到人世間還有真情和溫暖……好了，技能傳授完畢，給寶寶退下吧。

The most moving marriage notice of the year.
年度最感人征婚啟示！

說了這么多，由衷希望每一位老師在新的學期里開心快樂、工作順利、桃李滿園！

編輯：張曦 唐曉敏
實習生：李嵐燕
來源： 麥可思研究，China Daily英文微信（RealTimeChina）